The struggle for sobriety

  I spiralled this morning. I just couldn’t seem to wake up. I went into a bit of a black hole and couldn’t move my body. I wanted a drink. I could feel it. A good old day drinking session on my own. I sat with the dog on the sofa watching tv, willing myself to move. And then my dad turned up around 11am. We are renovating and he came to do some odd jobs for us. I can’t be lethargic when dads around. I feel like I need to be busy as he is always so busy and it seems to motivate me. So I started doing some odd jobs. And then I got inspired. And then I actually started to wake up and feel energetic. I did some house work. I painted a planter. I went out and got dad and I a delicious lunch and I walked the dog. I sat and admired the view and counted my blessings. I almost lost myself this morning, but I seemed to find myself again this afternoon. It’s funny how easily that happens. And how much alcohol seems to have become one of my coping mechanisms for it. Which is stupid, because i...

  My relationship with alcohol has really evolved over the years. But one thing has stayed constant, and that is I drink until I drop. I am not someone who can have just one or two. As soon as I start one alcoholic beverage I am already thinking about the next one. And then I am wondering if I have enough booze. And then I get to the “fuck it” stage, where I stop worrying about hangovers or how I will feel the next day and I go full pelt into a bottomless boozing session. I can do this alone to. I don’t need to be drinking socially. And when I’m alone it’s worse as I have no one to worry about judging me or stopping me or half asking-half telling me “don’t you think you have had enough?”. I want to be sober. I want it so badly. I managed it. For 59 days. That was the beginning of this year. I even went on a short city break and didn’t drink, I couldn’t believe it! I was strong in my sobriety. I was really reaping the benefits and I was loving it. I don’t know what changed on day 60...